System Error: Glitch LOGGED JUNE 4 2025 @ 0400
📁 HUNTER BIDEN DOSSIER
Alias: “The Connector,” “The Guy Who Knows a Guy,” “AirDrop Rasputin”
Role: Shadow liaison / Vaguely trusted informant / Definitely shouldn’t have clearance but does
Base of Operations: A series of unlocked hotel rooms, jet bridges, and airport lounges
Profile:
Nobody invites Hunter Biden into the Newsroom — he just shows up when someone mutters “I know a guy…” a little too confidently.
He’s the kind of person who can get you:
2 lbs of uranium
an untraceable yacht
a file labeled “do not open around moths”
and a phone number that only works during lunar eclipses
...all before lunch.
His vibe is equal parts:
“shady art dealer”
Yacht club warlock but more like if a Warby Parker employee got possessed by a Cold War briefcase.
and “guy who brought an acoustic guitar to the apocalypse and isn’t … bad at it.”
He once handed Mothra a manila envelope that contained a perfect duplicate of a memory she hadn’t told anyone about.
He also once sold Ronan a fax machine that only prints the future.
Hunter Biden is never where he’s supposed to be, but always exactly where he’s needed — and absolutely never under oath.
Key Characteristics:
Wears sunglasses indoors, even during séances.
Always “just got back from a thing.”
Smells like bourbon, Palo Santo, and classified documents.
Knows everyone and trusts no one.
Might be the only person alive who remembers the password to the attic’s second floor.
Known Associates:
Mothra: Doesn’t know how to get rid of him. Tolerates him. Barely. But admits he’s “weirdly useful in emergencies involving cursed briefcases.”
Gukgak: Calls him “Uncle Chaos.” They’ve definitely done light cybercrime together. adores him.
“He gets it. He’s been to the wrong dimension twice.”
Aaron Carter: ominously silent on the topic, Hunter says they “go way back.” Refuses to explain.
Ronan Farrow: Deeply suspicious, but secretly intrigued. “The man’s a walking FOIA denial.”
Fun Facts:
He once paid for a round of drinks using a thumb drive and everyone just accepted it.
Legally dead in three countries, but still pays taxes in two.
Was once spotted in four separate airports simultaneously.
One time he whispered a stock tip into a moth’s wing and crashed the crypto market.
He’s never been arrested, but he has been "temporarily extradited."
Owns a vintage pager that only receives messages from the 22nd dimension.
Mothra once asked him where he got something, and he just said “you’ll see.” She hasn’t slept since.
Carries a burner phone that only speed dials Gukgak, a haunted raccoon, and someone listed as “My Other Dad.”
He claims to have taken an Uber out of a dream once.
His name appears in the footer of a redacted FBI memo titled “Probability Collapses and Family Ties.”
Once described himself as "a vibe with credentials."
Keeps a Rolodex labeled “Do Not Call Unless You’re Desperate or on Fire.”
Knows exactly how many people live in the attic. Won’t say.
One time he handed Mothra a lunchbox full of USB sticks and said, “Don’t plug these in unless you want closure.”
He claims he invented AirDrop. Not the tech. Just… the act of dropping things in the air.No one’s ever seen Hunter Biden check into the Newsroom — but he’s always got a guest badge.
insists the moths “owe him one.” … Whatever that means.
Threat Level:
🟡 system reboot error
🟢 Has access to realms that don’t officially exist.
🔴 Once bartered a cursed cassette tape for diplomatic immunity.